making out with anyone tonight

April 12, 2012

though I really, really want to.

All the signs are right. My hair is long and blonde and I’ve had about three glasses of red wine. 

I’m out to ‘party’. And by ‘party’ I mean ‘make out’ and by ‘make out’ I mean ‘smooch’ and by ‘smooch’ I mean this


maybe less ‘stash though, I mean I’m not in Brooklyn right?

Only thing is there is no one to party with. 

I don’t require much, I’ll have you know. The most I ask is; a PHD, an ability to code, a height of of 6’1 or above, multi lingual (that’s not a euphemism you perverts) a decent smelling nape of the neck, ability to operate heavy machinery while under the influence, and then the divine thrill of knowing they’ll never HAVE to operate heavy machinery under the influence due to their snooty non physical jobs, not too hairy, incredibly successful at their chosen career, large enough to make me feel petite, a passionate lover with an adequate to large to massive penis.And generally kind, loving, funny, warm, sweet, confident and phenomenal. 

Is that so much to ask for?????

I mean Jesus! 



Oh Sorry Jesus. Go back to sleep.

(okay so while Jesus is sleeping let me just say that while he’s a great kisser and a nice Jewish boy the man can’t code for s**t.)


Unfortunately My Child I Cannot Help You There, Go And Ask An Apple “Genius” Or A Tekserve Guy. In Fact Stick With Tekserve Those Apple Guys Are Dicks.)

So instead of making out I came home and tried to sublimate and ate olives, and some pieces of prosciutto and some marinaded mushrooms. 

I’m eating Italian


Nice boys, but no physicists. I feel for them. I really do.

Now I’m going to bed. 



It’s selfish people, selfish, not to present yourselves for potentially making out with me. Like it’s selfish for you not to have studied the art of masseuse when my shoulders often ache with tension.


I am not this smiling woman and neither do the hands massaging her belong to any of my friends


Makes me think I’ll have to finish my book or something. 





One Response to “making out with anyone tonight”

  1. P said

    I will make out with you and I can code like the wind, am hung like a pony and am 6’1″ in Gene Simmons’ footwear.

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