going to rant or bitch about Valentine’s Day

February 14, 2012


 

or about the men who ask you out for a drink, and two hours later when you’ve eaten bread and spent over sixty dollars on a shared meal, advise you about dating other men “have you tried J-date?” and then inform you that they have a girlfriend.

No sir, not me. I’m not going to talk about that.

I’m not going to talk about how all the shops put ridiculous little hearts in the window just to rub it IN YOUR FACE that Valentine’s Day has arrived.

That’s right, even the butcheries. Pink little hearts dangling next to huge raw,bloody skinned sheep.

Just another thing I won’t rant  about today.
(Actually I secretly think it makes the sheep look cute.)

I’m not going to talk about how single men and women have  to make plans ages in advance in a grim way just so they’re doing something on the day taken over by Hellmark and not look like the sad, lonely desperate unhappy emotionally crippled people their coupled friends secretly hope they will be.

I’m not going to talk about the insane rush for restuarants, even mediocre ones, or the upsurge in condom purchase, or what eating purile chocolate can do to your liver.

Nah. Not me.

I’m especially not going to talk about how the women in New York, the smart, gorgeous, hard working, kick ass beauties are forced to meet (read date) and mate (read eight minutes) the men of flabby faces,  of sagging guts and slow wits and the little wizened souls of raisins just becuause God Forbid the smart, gorgeous, hard working, kick ass beauties of New York might want children one day and THEN WHERE WILL THEY BE? I’LL TELL YOU!   THEY’LL BE CHILDLESS AND ALONE AND BROKEN AND UNATTRACTIVE AND WHERE WILL THEIR FANCY SHMANCY DREAMS OF A CAREER AND SUCCESS HAVE GOTTEN THEM THEN? HUH? NO WHERE, THAT’S WHERE

Huh, oh sorry…my mind….it drifts….

So instead of a rant here are some fun and non bitchy facts about the sadists, I mean the sentimentalists favorite holiday, known as Valentine’s Day!

FUN FACT NUMBER ONE

1. a  Teachers receive more valentine cards than anyone else, even children.

1.b  Today a starting attorney earns $160,000 while a starting teacher earns around $45,000

1.c  Sixty-Two (62)  percent of Teachers have to take on secondary jobs to supplement their income.

AWWWWWDOOOORABLE!

FUN FACT NUMBER TWO

2. More than 650 million valentine cards are exchanged by children from ages 6-10 each year. Most of these cards are bought in the last 6 days leading up to Valentine’s day.

2.b A nice card (based off of the popular tv show Modern Family) saying “Free Hugs” can be bought for as low as 5.99!

2.c According to the non profit Feed My Starving Children it costs the overwhelming price of 24 c That’s (Twenty Four Cents)  to provide a meal for a starving child AND if you actually had the audacious sum of $36 you could feed five children for a month.

But imagine how many Modern Family Free Hugs card you could get!!!! 

FUN FACT NUMBER THREE

3. Each year the city of Verona Italy receives more than 1000 valentine’s addressed to Shakespeare’s Juliet.

It really is amazing how much affection a dead fictional character can attract.

3.b As of Nov 30th 2011 U.S. Troop Casualties – 4,486 US troops; 98% male. 91% non-officers; 82% active duty, 11% National Guard; 74% Caucasian, 9% African-American, 11% Latino. 19% killed by non-hostile causes. 54% of US casualties were under 25 years old. 72% were from the US Army

It is really is amazing how little affection real dead solider can attract……

FUN FACT FOUR 

4.a It was once believed that if a woman saw a flying robin on Valentine’s day she would end up getting married to a sailor. If a sparrow was the bird she saw she would end up marrying a man that was poor and live a happy life, if she saw a goldfinch then she was to marry a man that was a millionaire. One can only wonder who she would marry if she saw a crow.
(By this stage she was so desperate she married the first rat she saw. Sometimes Wall Street isn’t so bad. hahaha.)

4 b Screw the birds, lady,  have you read this interesting book called The Rules?

4c In 2001 the followup book The Rules for Marriage: Time-Tested Secrets for Making Your Marriage Work was released in the midst of Fein’s (the head writer’s) legal separation from her husband to whom she had been married for sixteen years.Fein married for the second time in 2008; she had followed The Rules to attract her second husband.

4.d Or maybe just stick to the birds. Warning-the goldfinch is a bit of a playah though

FUN FACT NUMBER FIVE

5. a More than 9 million pet owners buy gifts for their pets for Valentine’s day. Now that is what can be called real puppy love.

5.b Four million cats and dogs—about one every eight seconds—are put down in U.S. shelters each year.

I’m not going to make a pun or a joke here here because some vegetarian buddhist would come and beat the shit out of me.

FUN FACT NUMBER SIX

6.a It is estimated that 15% of the women in the United States who receive flowers for Valentine’s day send them to themselves. There are no figures that tell how many of these women are married, single or in a relationship.

6. b This means that close  110 MILLION roses will be purchased and delivered around the US today. That’s a lot of dead flowers so us dumb bitches can feel better about ourselves and the fact that we don’t have a maaaaan. (Lesbians can’t be  this pathetic, I refuse to accept it.)

6. c According to an article in The New York Observer  that quoted Richard Florida, In New York’s metropolitan area, single women outnumbered single men by more than 210,000,

It explains a fair amount concerning the men that my friends and I sometimes date.

So no ranting or bitching or misery. Really, go and enjoy yourselves. No seriously, on this day of romance and love all I ask is this one thing. As you take your beloved’s hand and  reach over to look into his or her eyes to kiss him or her and tell her he or she’s the only one for you take a moment of silence and remember that

WHITNEY HOUSTON IS DEAD. WHITNEY HOUSTON IS DEAD. WHITNEY HOUSTON IS DEAD. SHOW SOME DAMN RESPECT FOR ONCE IN YOUR PATHETIC, SHALLOW LIFE AND REMEMBER THAT THE QUEEN OF POP IS DEAD. 

hope you have a sweet and  happy fluffy love filled day. 

Bye Bye.


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